I just now realized that if I really wanted to, I am capable of sucking my own toes.
I heard the sprinklers go off just now so I opened the window in my office. Now it smells like fresh wet earth and there’s a nice cool breeze flowing through.
I just passed a milestone. I can no longer fit in my high school socks.
Is it just me, or is it odd that my wife sometimes forgets to put down the toilet seat?
Check out today’s Fashion Bug flyer in your paper today to see some of my plus size models in action!
They should turn Naked and Afraid into a Broadway musical!
If you only manufacture 1 or 2 submarines a year, how much of a mark-up do you have to have to make a profit? Huh EB???
What does one have to do to become a hipster?
Who knew Katherine Heigl was a cat person? Just when you thought she was as perfect as perfect could be.
Did you know that the new class of 2020, entering college this fall were born around 1994. They have never owned an 8-track. They have never started a car with a crank. They do not know a world without television. They have always had indoor bathrooms. Women have always had the right to vote. They have never had to worry about the black plague. They never got to see Wizard of Oz in the theater. Gun fights have always been against the law.
I’ve yet to write a Facebook post where the “see more” comes up.
Admiral John Paul Jones once said, I have not yet begun to fight, for my right to paarrttttyyyyyy!
Woke up in the middle of the night and I wrote down; “gorilla face lady, moving to Saudi Arabia” don’t know what it means.
I keep feeling a fly landing on my knee but there is no fly.
Is it ok if someone leaves their grocery basket unattended if you put random groceries in their basket?
Would you rather be the one who drives the garbage truck or the person who rides along on the side of the truck?
Next time you are grocery shopping, look in the other carts and see if you can find someone who buys the same kind of stuff as you do, they are your shopping twin.
I have been spending all of my spare time learning to say the alphabet backwards.
Little known fact: Humans and turtles are the only animals that are capable of jumping rope.
I keep wanting to use the phrase “hot mess”, and there are times when it would be appropriate, but then I forget.
I only got 14 hair washings out of my last bottle of shampoo.
All pants should have satin pockets.
In the paper today it said that prehistoric man ate Panda bears! What barbarians! Can I have a side order of Koala. Disgusting, Disgusting.
Anyone know how to make free craisons??????
